There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
