Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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