I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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