I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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