The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
