I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
