I'm lost and stupid without you.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
