How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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