this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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