Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
