The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize