dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize