Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
