It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
