Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
So many bounce houses so little time
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
