If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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