I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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