I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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