Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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