Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize