If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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