I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize