She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
