It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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