Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
