We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
