The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
