Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize