I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
