I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
