My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
