I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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