Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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