I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
