im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
