i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize