my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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