so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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