will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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