I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
