the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
