Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
