The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
