I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
