As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
