conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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