I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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