Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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