I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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