farters have to be the big spoon...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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