i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
