I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
