why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
honey bunches of taint.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
